Crazy Busy

Hello everyone! Sorry I haven’t been blogging lately – things have just been completely crazy with school and life in general. Rest assured, I’ll start again once things calm down a bit!

Quirky thought

So, I’m sitting here, working like mad to get my thesis proposal revisions finished, and a thought pops into my head: “I would really like to learn how to ride a unicycle.”

Is that odd, that I’d want to learn unicycling? It’s like the epitome of the whole, “look ma, no hands!” thing. You could use your hands to do any number of things while getting from point A to point B. Carry books. Eat a sandwich. Juggle koosh balls.

Anyways, back to the salt mines of academia. Except that now I want a unicycle.

Heading home

Well, it’s been a great few days up here in Mansfield for the Youth Sing – I’ve had a lot of fun and a lot of great experiences. Being able to see Becky and Robbie here to was an added blessing; I had such a great time with them. Having a non stop flight on the way home will be nice too – no extended waits or horrifying delays!
South Florida, I’m on my way!

Conciliatory Applications

It’s extremely frustrating trying to reconcile my own hesitation, frustrations and misgivings (not to mention those of my parents) with the convictions regarding this new path of teaching that I’m turning toward. The knowledge that money will be much tighter as a teacher than as a psychologist, that my future wife (who ever she is) will probably have to work throughout our marriage due to necessity rather than option, and that living in Florida on a teacher’s salary will be risky if at all possible, is enough to give even the most lofty dreamer pause. So, where does the very practical component of daily living and survival meet the also very practical component of doing what God wants you to do?

Mom and Dad (understandably) want me to go on to another psychology program. I don’t know what I want. I want to be able to teach and make a living at it. More importantly, I want to do God’s will, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t trust myself to make any decisions based on spiritual conviction because of all the other times I’ve stepped out in faith wrongly, only to have the door that I thought I was supposed to go through be closed. How can I trust myself to make those decisions when the times that I’ve been willing to take a stand turn out to be the wrong ones??

So do I take the path that my spiritually sound and sensible parents suggest? Do I take the path that my wise and understanding grandparents suggest? I feel like no matter what I choose, I’ll wind up disappointing someone. And I realize that, to a certain extent, I have to be willing to make a choice in which not everyone will be happy (even if that’s me). But the one person I absolutely cannot disappoint is God. And yet, when I’m having such a hard time figuring out what His expectations are, how can I be sure I’m not disappointing Him?

So I guess I’ll have to make the safest choice and apply to the education program this fall as well as to all the psych programs across North America that I ma fit into. I guess I’ll have to leave the deciding up to God, and if I don’t get into any psych programs, I’ll know that teaching was the path to take.

I’ll be honest though, I’m really feeling disappointed with myself for not being more sure, more close to God. I feel like when it comes to discerning my path in life and in my communications with God, I’ve been a failure. I don’t like that.

Laptoooop!

Murphy’s law dictates that if I take my broken laptop to the mac store to have them look at it, if it is under warranty it will act normally. If the warranty has gone out, it will promptly explode upon examination by the mac staff, resulting in repairs in excess of one hundred million dollars.

Or something like that. Either way, it’s driving me crazy not having a computer! I never realized how much I used it throughout my day. Need to send an email? Open the laptop. Need a definition? Open the laptop. Need to order a textbook? Open the laptop? Hungry? … Go.. to the kitchen…

The computer is at the mothership store right now, and they’re conducting “stress tests” to see if what I say regarding the laptops’ schizophrenia is true. That thing had better not make me out to be a liar….

Reading for entertainment? How vulgar!

I officially have one week left before the fall semester begins, and I am milking it for all it’s worth! Normally I don’t multitask very well at all, but I’ve been doing it with my readings lately. I’m reading about four books at once to try to cram in as much pleasure reading as possible. No, it’s not like I’ve got four books open in front of me and I’m reading one page at a time, but I’ll read a few chapters from one in the morning, some chapters from another during lunch, and go back and forth between two in the evening.

I’ve got to get my reading in now, because once classes start up it will all be textbook chapters and journal articles. It’s shameful the way they can destroy your love of reading. It’s like … well… it’s like making someone eat ONLY tostitos pizza rolls morning noon and night who LOVES tostitos pizza rolls. (I happen to love pizza rolls and went on a binge one summer… I can now only eat them perhaps once a year. le sigh…) Ah well, it’s necessary, so I’ll suffer through. I don’t understand the people who read intellectual journal articles for fun though… I mean, I get the whole “knowledge is power” thing, but come on! Some times Adler can wait while you sink your teeth into some Pride and Predjudice.

It’s interesting how I had to shift from “television watching” mode to “reading” mode – the first two books I read through last week took me a while to adjust – My eyes seemed to have forgotten the ‘following word after word and then shift down a line’ trick. This week, however, I’m able to go for several hours at a time without any problems. I love reading….

PS- I also found out last week in talking to my friend Brian that I have never read “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.” How shameful is that?! As I read it now, pictures keep flopping up in my head of a young Elijah Wood. Stupid movies.

Returning from the blogging abyss

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged last. My bad! While it’s not that there hasn’t been anything to write about this past month or so, I’ve either been too busy, too lazy, or too *insert lame excuse here* to get anything typed out. Nevertheless, I’ve returned from the writing doldrums to shout out into the cyber-void once more, in hopes there might be something worth saying and hearing.

This past month included (but was not limited to,) Eastern Camp, writing more novel pages, writing a 30 page thesis proposal, contacting old high school teachers, organizing two research studies for the aforementioned thesis, my dad getting laid off of his job, and a broken laptop. Also, creating random objects d’art that take me little time to create, of which people will hopefully feel a frenzied compulsion to purchase when viewing them online. (My friends and I are trying to start up a shop on Etsy.com … as if we don’t have busy enough lives as it is!)

There are a lot of things that I suppose I could talk about, but I’ll save them for other days if their pertinence resurges. Otherwise I probably won’t talk about them. What I will mention is what’s probably the biggest happening for my entire summer, and that is this: I am becoming a teacher. If you’re reading this (I was surprised at camp to hear from completely random people, “I read your blog from time to time – keep up the work on your book!” … it’s both intriguing and disconcerting) you probably have one of two thoughts, if you know me. The first one might be, “Huh. That’s nice,” whereas the second might be, “WHAT?! Rob! What happened to psychology? What happened to your passion for helping people and being a force of positive change, both in the world and in the church? What about the long hours and little pay that teaching affords? And you’re just throwing away all of your psychological training?!”

If the second thought trend applies to you, my unknown reader, I say to you, take a deep breath, and let me explain. It’s going to be alright. (Melodramatic, I know, but I have gotten that from more than one person already.) This decision is one that’s been percolating in my brain essentially since school let out for the spring semester. At that point, I suffered a sort of emotional and spiritual breakdown. I had just gotten another rejection from a school psychology program at Syracuse University, my sister (Becky, henceforth Becky Barillari) got married and moved to Toronto, my best friend Javi also had moved away (to Syracuse, where he had gotten coincidentally accepted and I denied) and I’d survived a battery of final exams. I had to compartmentalize and lock away the rejection from SU, the separation anxiety from my sister and friend leaving, and the stress from finals. In addition, I was forcing myself to ignore the spiritual ramifications of the ‘leap of faith’ I’d taken in applying to SU, truly believing that it was God’s will for me to apply and get accepted.

Surprisingly, I managed to do all that and passed finals with flying colors… and subsequently crashed into a lethargic depression like some kind of postwar soldier suffering from PTSD. I wouldn’t have minded so much if it wasn’t for the fact that I had summer classes I had to take too. The depression rose, and no work was getting done… a dangerous situation. So, I swallowed my pride and after walking past the door three or four times, went into the student counseling center to admit that I was ‘having problems dealing with some stress and depression.’ I now have a tremendous respect for the people who can admit that they need help – it takes a lot of humility.

The counselor helped to deal with the depression and the anxiety… and I was able to get back to work. But in the middle of all the work, and the traveling and running around (and the counseling,) I kept asking myself, “If I’m supposed to be a psychologist, and function in this role both in society and my church, why is it that every time I apply to a program that allows this, the answer is always ‘No’?” In the meantime, this little nugget of idealism kept popping up in my head. “What about teaching?” it said. “You always wanted to be a teacher. It may even be one of the few things you come by naturally.” And I said, “Hmph. I guess that maybe I could get accredited to teach and do that to supplement getting a PhD.” After all, I figured, the third time’s a charm, right? I was getting geared up to retake my GRE’s to do some volunteer clinical work, as well as applying to the largest group of schools I’ve done yet – eleven universities across the U.S. and Canada. I even expanded my area of study to include mental pathologies and adults – I was willing to do WHATEVER. And I said, “It’s God’s will that I get into one of these schools, and wherever He wants me to go, that’s where I’ll get accepted.” Secretly, I hoped that that would be up north, so I could be with my friends and cousins, but I was open to pretty much anything.

And yet, through out all of the preparations, the organizing of schools and credentials, I couldn’t shake this sense of dread with regards to the coming applications. I was trying to be cheery and optimistic and all, “I just KNOW that God’s going to do something fantastic!” Like when I applied to Syracuse that prior spring. The little voice kept popping up. “Buuuut, what about teaching? You love English and Literature, and Psychology… couldn’t you teach English and Psychology to high schoolers?” And I’d say, “Silence! I’m going to be a clinical psychologist and help people!” I just couldn’t shake that nagging feeling though, that there was something sort of off about all this.

It was my (other) sister, Jenny, who first suggested to me that God’s path doesn’t always take us where we first expect to go. “Did you ever think that you got your answer from God the first time you applied to grad schools?” she asked. “Maybe God’s trying to show you something better than you had in mind.” My grandparents were the second and third ones to offer that suggestion. “If you asked me,” my Opa said, “you’re dreading these applications for a reason. You already laid out a fleece twice, and twice you’ve gotten a clear response. You’d better be careful that God doesn’t open a door for you simply because you keep banging your head on it.” And my Omi was even less ambiguous. “Be a teacher,” she said “You can’t possibly be anything else, and if you could hear yourself talk about the situation the way you just did, it would be as obvious to you as it is to us.”

Leave it to my Opa (quite possibly one of the wisest men I know) and my Omi (the woman who ‘knows everything’ as she puts it’) to be the most straight forward and insightful. After a summer of praying and soul searching, and finally some very frank talks with my grandparents, I was set. I ‘officially’ made the decision at the end of Eastern Camp, and have had to defend the decision considerably since then. But I’ve made the choice, and no matter how nonsensical or illogical it may be, I can’t look back – I’ve felt more peace and joy than I’ve felt in a long time. So, after getting my master’s degree in developmental psychology, I’ll be going back for my second master’s in English Education.

And the path takes another turn around the bend.

Watch and Pray

Psalm 19
12 Who can understand his errors?
13 Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.
14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, o Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Let me Lord, learn from the example of Saul; not to alienate myself from you, nor reject the leading of your Spirit. Forgive me for my many trespasses against you, cleanse my spirit and forgive my grieving. Help me, oh God to turn away from my idols and to remember you only in my heart. Where is now division and strife and pain and rebellion, let there be peace and love and unity of purpose towards you. Correct my walk – make me follow the steps that you walked, and in my communication and relationships let your likeness dominate and shine through me. Take my failures, and right them; make me long only for you. Prepare me for your service, tune my ears to your voice and my mind to your eye. Use me, and make me glad of it. All this I pray in Christ’s name, amen.

Quotes on Happiness and Work

ALBERT SCHWEITZER:
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

HELEN KELLER:
Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth.
Pearl S. Buck

Career Explorations..

Me: “I think I could see myself in that job”
Julie: “I think you’d be eaten alive.”
Me: “….”